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20080627

European Frontal

Entry 859 posted in: 7. Star Trek - The Original Sucker


Zombie Lake On Sunday mornings all is dull and quiet. Some people go to church; I take a cup of Italian coffee, start the computer and surf a bit. Sunday is the day I visit those sites I usually don’t visit very often, except on Sundays that is.

One site I visit from time to time is Snopes that is dedicated to urban legends. Is or isn’t there a penis on the cover of The Little Mermaid home video? Is it true that Jessica Rabbit doesn’t wear underwear on four frames of the Who Framed Roger Rabbit movie (who are the people who have the time to go hunting after these things?). And can one really read the letters S-E-X in a dust-cloud during The Lion King?

(I really should quit writing these posts; I have just lost half an hour browsing the Snopes site again. And speaking about penises, is this warning label true? It comes from another minute muncher of a site that I just discovered a couple of days ago.)

Another of my favourites is Badmovies that lists a series of reviews of so-called B-movies. This is another one of those click-and-read & click-and-read-a-bit-further sites. Once you start you can’t stop and to add another cliché to the hopeless bunch of clichés I have already used… Badmovies.org is like a box of chocolates. Barf.

One of the movies that has recently been reviewed is Zombie Lake, aka Zombies’ Lake, originally Le Lac Des Morts Vivants (literally: the lake of the living deaths). The plot of the movie is simple enough. Somewhere near a small village in France lies is a lake and although it is forbidden to have a swim it takes victim #1 about 30 seconds to completely undress only to get devoured by an undead Nazi soldier who happens to be living, although living is not exactly the right word, under the water surface.

Normally an incident like that should discourage other skinny-dipping enthusiasts but alas, the French have their own way of reasoning and that is why a complete volleyball team, do I have to stress the fact that it is an all-female volleyball team?, jumps in the water a while later. The movie is set about a decade after the end of the Second World War, anyway in a period when textile was very scarce or during those odd years when all swimming suits were prohibited in France. So were razor blades. For the younger readers of this blog, who shouldn’t be reading this at all by the way, the black triangles you can see on certain regions of the female body are not the artistic product of an overzealous censor but the main reason why these body parts used to be addressed as beaver, muff or pussy.

But I just don’t want to publish another review, as there are already a few circulating on the web, and I’ve just spent most of the last Sunday morning (and afternoon) reading those. To get rid of the uncanny feeling that I ruined an entire day I present you hereafter…


Felix Atagong’s entirely useless review of 9 Zombie Lake reviews.

(Skip immediately to The Zombie Lake Movie First Five Minutes Faq if you are not interested.)

Bad movies (9/10). I like the reviews at this site. They are funny, witty with a touch of irony. The reviews are so well written that you actually want to have a look at the movie in question, even when it reads that this is the worst movie ever. The Things I Learned From This Movie rubric makes one chuckle, as it tends to demystify the ever-growing list of movie clichés.

Pro: every review contains a character overview, the plot, stuff to watch for, some sounds, images and a (short) video clip of the movie in question.

Cons: Almost every B-movie, even this one, carries a danger sign scene that is instantly disregarded by the person who is going to expire a few seconds later. Although this site has a warning that reads: “There are currently ZERO bare breasts on this website.”, this is actually the truth. Pictures that do contain a certain amount of pixels that could arouse the odd couch potato have been censored with a banner.

Antagony & Ecstasy (7/10). The thing I like about the review on this blog is its title: Zombies & Tits. As an appetizer this can count. Also the fact that reviewer uses a Belgian movie poster speaks in favour for him. Thanks to him I now know the Dutch title of this tiny masterpiece that is nothing more than a word for word translation of its French title.

The article contains some interesting titbits (I know I just can’t resist that word) about the creator of the movie (who was apparently so ashamed that he changed his name on the credits). The pictures have been chosen to illustrate the film’s cheapness and not its scarcity of textile. I would like to point you to the fact that the author uses a neologism I happen to like a lot: vaginidyll. If more blogs would use this word it could grow into 2008’s new big googly thing!

All Things Zombie (5/10). What is wrong with these people? Don’t they have a sense of humour? First their website takes as long to load as an average zombie needs to cross the road and then they simply trash the movie? Probably the reviewer didn’t have his brains for breakfast.

Realm Of Horror (6/10). A short review that is indecisive whether it should stay serious or not.

Bad Movie Planet (7/10). This review tries to describe the complicated (complicated as in incomprehensible) plot in much detail with an eye for the many flaws in the script. There are a few pictures, including one with the famous volleyball-team-skinny-dipping scene. The author is a weird person though, because he uses red rectangles on the pictures to hide the black triangles. What’s wrong with triangles?

B-Movie Graveyard (8/10). Man, this is a big review, and with big I mean BIG. Reading it takes about the same time as watching the entire movie, but reading about it is of course more pleasant than viewing the whole thing.

Pro: Many, many subdivisions and extras: the credits, the plot, a more elaborated plot, a character map, several downloadable video scenes, the many mistakes (wrong type of Volkswagen used, for instance), some pictures, an extensive review, a content breakdown, movie statistics (containing a dead bodies, boobs and bush count!), downloadable dialog excerpts, theme music, more photographs, more video clips, extra comments, unanswered questions and WTF moments containing a real pair of uncensored yummy boobs! B-Movie awards, trivia listing, the Final Word.

Cons: You need a lot of time to read this.

Bad Movie Dimension (6/10). Well, one of the serious reviews about this very unserious movie. Well worth the read and the fact that I only give it a 6 out of 10 could come from the fact that I have just been reading half a dozen of reviews before…

Movie Mistakes (4/10). A list of 27 mistakes in the movie, but most of those have been spotted in the other reviews as well. Pity for the annnoying ad in between pages.

But if you are more or less in a hurry you can watch the online video review of...

The Cinema Snob (8/10). The cinema snob doesn’t mind telling us what this movie really is about, so if you are not offended by quotes as ‘this movie has officially urinated on my face and told me it is raining’(3’33”) this is the review for you.


The Zombie Lake Movie First Five Minutes Faq  

1. In the beginning of the movie you see a swan on the lake. Why don't the zombies attack it?
Have you ever seen a restaurant with swan on the menu? Duck yes. Goose yes. Swan no.

2. Why does the brown haired beauty remove her clothes?
Topless sunbathing is a national sport in France. As a matter of fact it is considered anti-French NOT to sunbath topless. Just like it is considered anti-American in some circles to eat French fries, although that is rather stupid as a: the French in French fries has got nothing to do with France; and b: French fries originate from Belgium anyway…

3. Yeah but the brunette removes more than her blouse.
Technically she is still sunbathing topless. Ask Bill Clinton.

4. Come on, she is stark naked!
Sunbathing naked is perhaps not a national sport in France but if you wander around at the French Riviera you will count a respectable minority of nude sunbathers, even on public beaches. God, I love that country!

5. Why do the zombies suddenly decide to attack the girl after they have quietly lived at the bottom of the lake for a dozen of years?
Probably nobody ever had a swim before in the lake, as the whole village is apparently dimly aware of the curse.

6. Here is a small village in France. There is a lake nearby; did the children never go for a swim then? It must be very tempting, especially when parents forbid!
Perhaps only sexually mature maidens will arouse the zombies. If one single drop of blood can turn a handful of dust into a full-grown vampire, then the pheromones of a woman, swimming in a lake, might wake the zombies as well. Call it a zombie puberty catalyst.

7. Not all zombies are green, some have normal skin color, especially in the neck and behind the ears. Surely this is a case of (very) bad make up.
What if these undead only change skin color when they turn into – what I call – zombie puberty, triggered by the female pheromones (see faq question 6). A bit like black babies that are (often) born quite pale and only turn dark after a while (and some body regions of black people, like their hand palms, will always be lighter in color).
On the other hand they could suffer from a mild case of cupper oxidation as well.

8. That still doesn’t explain why the brunette jumps into the water.
Probably because the girl is not only pretty, but stupid as well.


And if you have enough of reading all this, you can have a little fun with the Zombie Tower Defense game. Its simple, its dumb, its addictive.


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