HOW TO LEAVE THE PLANET
You have been carefully selected as a totally random member of the Human Race.
This chapter is for you. Before you read it:
1) Find a stout chair.
2) Sit on it.
This chapter has been spontaneously generated by the PASSING ACQUAINTANCES OF
THE EARTH computer. It will appear in this book when the computer judges that
the Earth has passed the P.O.S.T.O.S.E.H. (Possibility of Sorting Things Out
Sensibly Event Horizon)
If you have this chapter you may assume that the crucial point has now been
passed, and that you are one of those chosen to be the future of the Human
Race. The following instructions are for you:
Leave the planet as quickly as possible.
Do not procrastinate.
Do not panic.
Do not take the Whole Earth Catalog.
HOW TO LEAVE THE PLANET
1) Phone NASA (tel. 0101 713 483 0123). Explain that it's very important that
you get away as quickly as possible.
2) If they do not cooperate, then try to get someone at the White House (tel.
0101 202 456 1414) to bring some pressure to bear on them.
3) If you don't get any joy out of them, phone the Kremlin (tel 0107 095 295
9051) and ask them to bring a little pressure to bear on the White House on
4) If that too fails, phone the Pope for guidance (tel. 010 396 6982).
5) If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer and explain
that it's vitally important that you get away before your phone bill arrives.
WHERE YOU SHOULD BE HEADING
Where everyone else in the galaxy is heading. Stay in the swim, hang out in
bars, keep your ear to the sub-etha. Send all information home on postcards for
the benefit of the next wave of Earth emigrants.Current information says that
everyone else in the Galaxy is heading for a small planet in Galactic Sector
JPG71248. It is clearly the most wonderfully trendy zillion tons of hunky rock
in the known sky.
WHAT YOUR TRAVELS WILL BE LIKE
Difficult and unbelievably dangerous. Space is notorious for having all sorts
of terribly frightening things happening in it, most of which are best dealt
with by running away very fast. You should therefore take with you:
1) A pair
of strong running shoes. The most useful type are of outrageous design and
mind-mangling colours; experience has shown that if, while strolling through
the ancient swampworld of Slurmgurst you come unexpectedly across an appalling
alien monster with Lasero-Zap eyes, Swivel-Shear teeth, several dozen
tungsten-carbide Vast-Pain claws forged in the sun furnaces of Zangrijad, and a
terrible temper, it is in your immediate best interests that the monster should
be for a moment a) startled, and b) looking downwards.
2) A towel. Whilst the
monster is temporarily confused by your footwear you should wrap the towel
round its head and strike it with a blunt instrument.
3) A blunt instrument
4) A green Eezi-Mind Anti-Guilt jacket or sweat shirt, for wearing
after incidents such as the above. Guilt is known to be an electromagnetic
wave-form which is reflected and diffused by the material from which these
shirts are made. Wearing them protects you from worrying about all sorts of
things, including your unpaid phone bill.
5) A pair of Joo Janta 200 Super
Chromatic Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses. These will help you to develop a relaxed
attitude to danger. At the first hint of trouble they turn totally black, thus
preventing you from seeing anything which might alarm you.
6) All the lyrics to
any songs you like to sing whilst traveling. It is very easy to make enemies by
continually singing a song you don't know all the words to, particularly on
long space journeys.
7) A bottle of something. There are very few people in the
Galaxy who won't be more pleased to see you if you are carrying a bottle of
something. MEDICAL KIT In case of physical injury, press the button relating to
A) part affected and
B) nature of the injury simultaneously
[ ] leg [ ] broken
[ ] arm [ ] bruised
[ ] head [ ] wrenched off
[ ] chest [ ] mauled by Algolian
[ ] other [ ] insulted.
This page will instantly exude appropriate
waves of sympathy and understanding.
In case of doubt,
confusion or alarm, please touch this panel
At times of stress it is often reassuring to make physical
contact with friendly objects. This panel is your friend.
NB: On the assumption
that nothing terrible is going to happen to the world and everything's suddenly
going to be alright really, all the advice in this chapter may be safely